Networking with Twitter

Confession: I really dislike Twitter. Like so many technological advances the original concept was promising: brief, direct, focused communication - an information network.  But It has evolved into more of an opinion network - and, as sometimes used by Donald Trump, a DISinformation network. If you're an active Twitter follower you have added additional distraction to your undoubtedly already over distracted routine, constantly being alerted to the latest musings, or sometimes rankings, of numerous people of questionable relevance to your life.

Nonetheless, if used strategically Twiiter offers the opportunity to develop new contacts and relationships - the key to exploring career and job opportunities. A concise 
"instruction manual" titled "How to Network on Twitter (without looking like a creep) appeared in the March 2 2016 issue of Forbes that I am reproducing here:

"If you're mainly using Twitter to keep tabs on the Kardashians, you're missing out on lots of opportunity. Especially when it comes to professional networking.
Twitter is an incredibly powerful networking tool. It allows you to access important players in your industry who are perhaps otherwise pretty impossible to reach.
When my client Kaela told me about how badly she wanted to write for one a particular publication, I asked her what steps she had taken in order to pitch her articles.

Kaela had submitted her piece through the site's submission form, and had followed up several times without hearing anything back. When I asked if she followed the editor of the section that she was looking to write for on Twitter, it had never dawned on her that she might be able to use social media for something like that.
It's absolutely possible to make valuable networking connections by leveraging Twitter's platform. Here's a timeline of how to make contact with key players in your industry – without coming on too strong.

Day 1
Choose the person you want to get in touch with. When you're looking to make a connection with someone on Twitter, make sure you're choosing someone with a realistic following. For example, Kaela likely wouldn't have been able to foster a Twitter connection with the publication's Editor-in-Chief, who has 1.5 million followers. But the editor on the section she was looking to write for had only 15,000 – which is still a large following, but more reasonable that this person would notice tweets from one of 15,000 followers than one out of 1.5 million.
Make your Twitter page look pristine. Take a scroll down your Twitter page and make sure there's nothing vulgar or unprofessional on your timeline. Ideally, your Twitter page should be full of tweets and retweets that speak to recent and valuable trends and information.

Follow this person on Twitter. But don't come in too hard, too fast. Follow the person you're interested in networking with, and start to retweet a few of this person's tweets. Don't just retweet everything they've tweeted in the past 24 hours. Select tweets that resonate with you and the industry you're serving. This is particularly effective if you’re retweeting something that positions them in a positive light. For example, if this person won an award or nomination, or earned a big media mention, those are ideal tweets to retweet.
Days 2-4
Take a break.
Day 5
Tweet at the person. Don't overthink it. Your tweet could be something positive like: “I love the work you do – let me know how to help spread the word!” Or it could be something like “Take a look at @AshleyStahl’s article: Networking is Giving.” Just make sure to be authentic, and don't overdo it with the flattery.

If you haven't received a reply within a day or two, continue to retweet a few of this person's tweets. At some point or another, you’re very likely to get a reply from this person. In Kaela's case, once the editor she wanted to get in touch with replied to her tweets and followed her back on Twitter, I had her craft a message complementing the compelling work that was being done on the editor's section of the site, and asking to chat more.

The more you support someone on Twitter, the more likely they’ll want to be networking with you. In today's job market, it's important to think outside of the box. And sometimes that means using that box of 140 characters on your Twitter account to make the valuable connections you need to take your career to the next level.
Just ask Kaela, whose most recent article on that site she so badly wanted to write for was one of the top performing articles of the month.
Even the Editor-in-Chief retweeted it."



Dealing with Rejection

Many of my career-counseling clients come to me because they have been repeatedly rejected by potential employers.  Many of my relationship-counseling clients come to me because they feel rejected (unloved or unappreciated) in their marriages or partnerships.  And a number of my psychotherapy clients see me to overcome the wounds that a series of rejections has inflicted on their self-esteem.

NO ONE likes to be rejected.  This is true in both the your professional life and/or in your interpersonal relationships (whether it be with a spouse, date, or friend).  So whenever rejection occurs, it’s pretty likely to be disturbing.  The disturbance could range from mild annoyance to total devastation (in the event of a cheating partner, for example).  But HOW you deal with the unpleasantness of rejection is of great significance to the eventual emotional outcome and, at least to some degree, is amenable to improvement.  

For some, virtually any form of rejection is devastating.  The rejection is viewed as an indictment of their entire being, and they feel worthless, incompetent, or unalterably unattractive.  These people are overly dependent on the perception others have of them to validate their self-worth.  The Wizard in “The Wizard of Oz” summarized this proposition when he said: “a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others”.  There is truth to that statement.  But a larger truth is that our worth comes from our living our own unique lives to the fullest of our ability, and treating others lovingly and respectfully.  Whether or not others approve, accept, or reject us shouldn’t be the primary determinant of our life path.

In childhood, people often absorb the idea that if they’re rejected they’re just plain no good.  This can come from being teased or shunned by playmates, or by unintentional or sometimes even intentional comments from parents.   The profound sadness of feeling worthless usually traces to one or more early experiences that occurred way before the cognitive abilities were developed enough to make sense of the rejection.  As adults, however, those cognitive abilities are developed, and should be put to use.

Perhaps the most important of these cognitive skills to develop is what Martin Seligman ( , probably the leading figure in the field of Positive Psychology, calls “the optimistic explanatory style”.  An optimistic explanatory style takes an event and intentionally interprets it in an optimistic or positive way (or at least in a way that casts minimal reflection on the “rejectee”).  For example, if you drive past your neighbor’s house, wave at her, and she fails to acknowledge you, you might conclude that she was momentarily preoccupied and didn’t register your greeting.  A pessimistic explanatory style would tend to interpret the neighbor’s lack of response as an indication of antipathy.  To take a much more serious example, the discovery of your spouse’s extramarital affair could be viewed at one extreme strictly as a commentary on your worthlessness or lack of intelligence, beauty, or success or, at the other extreme, strictly as a commentary on the weaknesses, failings, or inadequacies of your partner.  I think it is self-evident which of these interpretations will ultimately lead to quicker healing.

We now know that some people are in a sense genetically disposed to a pessimistic, depressive way of looking at the world, while others come into the world quite the opposite.  Genetics, however, is not destiny.  By practicing applying an optimistic explanatory style to the circumstances that feel like setbacks in your life, you can gradually improve your ability to look at events from more a more positive and energizing perspective.

Rejection provides an ideal, if admittedly challenging, arena in which to practice developing a more positive explanatory style.  For example, rather than focusing so intently on trying to discover which characteristics or actions of yours led to your rejection, or what you could have done to prevent it, think about rejection in more ‘neutral”, less individually specific terms.  Phrases like “If the train didn’t stop at my station it must not be my train” or “You can’t please all of the people all of the time” are truisms that may take a bit of the sting out of being turned down.  Coming at rejection from almost the opposite angle, another approach would be to look at the rejection as a learning opportunity.  By paying attention to read flags or feedback you may have ignored, you can become better at making smarter choices going forward, and thereby minimize the likelihood of rejection next time you venture forth.


The Often Illogical Process of Career Transition

Are you wondering if it’s time to switch careers? Perhaps you realize that you haven’t looked forward to most of the work you do in years. Or some significant life event has occurred that causes you to shift your perspective and priorities (e.g. The birth of a child or a serious illness).  Or you’re “burned out” (as I became after almost 20 years in the fast-paced, high stress world of advertising). Or you’re yearning to do work that impacts your community or even the world in some positive way.

BUT you don’t know how to discover where that that new career path lies.

This is the dilemma with which many of my clients are struggling. Often they have taken career tests (e.g. MAPP), personality assessments (e.g. Myers-Briggs) or personal inventories (e.g. StrengthsFinder) but have discovered that the tests shed little new light on which paths to pursue. Frequently these exercises tend to reveal what they already know about themselves, or suggest directions that are unappealing.

The main reason that the kind of tests cited above often fail to answer the “what’s the right new career” question is that they rely on linear processes: straight line connections between thoughts. If you test strongly as a communicator, then you should go into a career involving writing or presenting. If you score high in empathy, be a therapist.  Analytical? Consider forensic accounting. Unfortunately, most of these career ideas have usually been considered and rejected for a variety of reasons. What's needed is a leap of thought, an inspiration, not an extension.

“We tend to think of problem solving as the implementation of logical steps toward an answer that is predetermined and inevitable.”* (At least to a great degree). “Analytical thinking and logical thinking, is all about the exclusion and critiquing of ideas so that the brain can become a guided laser that operates with surgical precision. Analytical thinking is ideal for weighing options in a well-defined problem, but that power is also its weakness: it is antithetical to inspiration.”*

Inspiration often comes from connecting seemingly unrelated dots. To quote Albert Einstein: “A new idea comes suddenly and in a rather intuitive way. That means it is not reached by conscious logical conclusions. But, thinking it through afterwards, you can always discover the reasons which have led you unconsciously to your guess and you will find a logical way to justify it. Intuition is nothing but the outcome of earlier intellectual experience."

So what do I recommend as tools to consider in helping to chart a promising new path? A combination of:

1. (Day) dreaming - When we dream the mind is freed from the constraints of logic and current reality. All kinds of crazy combinations of characters and situations appear. Allow yourself to daydream, to free associate. Make time in your schedule to do nothing rather than check Facebook for the 6th time that day.

2. Conversations - Talk with people you admire and hear about their paths to career satisfaction. Even if they’re in a field that holds absolutely no interest for you, valuable tidbits can emerge (e.g. About analogous starting points, processes, and sources of inspiration, be they people or podcasts).

3. Structured Exercises  - Open-ended exercises such as those that appear in my current favorite career book, “Roadmap” (by Roadmap Nation) can generate lots of new avenues of thinking, far more than the closed-ended multiple choice format of most career tests.

4. Professional Guidance - I’ve worked with hundreds of people to discover new goals based on existing likes, strengths, skills, and values. A particularly valuable function that I serve is to consistently support the process of exploration by providing MOTIVATION and ACCOUNTABILITY, both of which are often required to see the process through. Another is that, based on my breadth of experience, I make suggestions derived from other client experiences that may be applicable.

*From the book “Solitude” by Michael Harris


Making Friends


More often than you might imagine clients complain to me about how difficult it is for them to make friends in Washington. I used to hear the same complaints about Los Angeles, but L.A. possessed an attribute that allowed people some degree of acceptance of the difficulty - namely the long distances that separated many residents. Not so true of more compact DC. But I actually think that the difficulty of making friends for most people here is primarily due to a lack of an effective friend-making strategy.

The overall strategic thrust has several key components:

Identify and then spend time in venues that allow for person-to-person interactions that are deeper than typical cocktail party banter. There are a myriad of settings that will allow for more-than-superficial interaction. One such setting is a Meetup. Meetups are informal gatherings of people with shared interests, ranging from movies to foreign languages to entrepreneurship to technology to music to hiking to cooking.....the list is practically endless. Go to and input an activity you enjoy and see when and where the next Meetup is. Then go! It's surprisingly easy to interact with strangers when you're gathered around a shared inetrest. 

Volunteering also can provide opportunities for meaningful interpersonal interaction. Again, it's not too difficult to strike up conversations with people who share your commitment to a cause or an organization by volunteering.

Of course your workplace is another venue where you can have extended interaction with others. But in order to leverage that opportunity you need to be:

Take the initiative and be (pleasantly) persistent. This advice from is spot on: "It's a big mistake to passively wait for other people to do the work of befriending you. It's great if it happens, but don't count on it. If you want to get a group of friends, assume you'll have to put in all the effort. If you want to do something on the weekend, don't sit around and hope someone texts you. Get in touch with various people and put something together yourself, or find out what they're doing and see if you can come along.

It's one thing to hang out with someone once, or only occasionally. You could consider them a friend of sorts at that point. For that particular person maybe that's all you need in a relationship with them, someone you're casually friendly with and who you see every now and then. However, for someone to become a closer, more regular friend you need hang out fairly often, keep in touch, enjoy good times together, and get to know each other on a deeper level. You won't have the compatibility to do this with everyone, but over time you should be able to build a tighter relationship with some of the people you meet."

Don't set your expectations too high. "Sometimes you'll join a club or be introduced to your friend's friends and hope to meet a bunch of great new people. Then you get there and the experience is disappointing. You may feel like you don't click with anyone, or like they're ignoring you in favor of making in-jokes with each other. Give these groups a few more tries. Often you're limited in how much you'll connect with others on the first meeting. You may warm up to each other before long.

If someone refuses your invitation because they're busy or not sure if they can make it out then don't give up. Try again another time. Try to assume the best. Don't automatically jump to the conclusion that they hate you and you're fundamentally unlikable. Also, even the act of making an invitation sends the message that you like someone and want to hang out with them. They may be unable to meet that one time, but now see you as someone they could possibly have fun with in the future.

When you meet potential friends be realistic about your importance in their lives and how long it may take to become buddies with them. They probably already have a social circle and their world won't end if it doesn't work out with you. As such, don't get too discouraged if they're not knocking down the door to hang out with you a day after you met them. They may be busy and your plans may not pan out for another few weeks.

Network into friendships. I always emphasize networking with clients who are looking to change careers or jobs. WHO YOU KNOW is vitally important in the career realm, but it can also serve you well in creating friendships. Ask people you know who THEY know who might be good candidates for friendship. You may be reluctant to admit to wanting to make new friends, but with very few exceptions people can identify with that desire, and are likely to admire your frankness in admitting it, and be flattered that you are asking them.






Don't Let Your Mind Control You! 


"Huh?" you might think. "I'm in control of my mind. I decide what to think, and when." But for most people that's frequently not true. The mind is constantly generating thoughts, and too often one of those thoughts can capture your attention and keep you imprisoned in its narrow, frequently negative, perspective.  Consider: worry, anger, guilt, jealousy, resentment, embarrassment...these are terms that we characterize as emotions but that are primarily generated, and invariably sustained, by thought. The proof: the large majority of the time people gripped by these emotions are reacting RETRO or PROactively, disconnected from the triggering action in time and, usually, in space. When you're in their grip you've lost control - it's all you can think about. Some examples: 

CAREER: Will I get promoted? Why doesn't the recruiter call me back? Suppose I get downsized? I can't believe I wasn't invited to that meeting. This place is too political for me. I hate having a windowless office. How come the boss pays more attention to her? 

RELATIONSHIPS: Why didn't she answer my text? I always pay for dinner. If he only lost a few pounds I'd be more interested in sex. She's too wish-washy. I wish he would do something other than watch sports.  I can't believe my mother talks to me that way. 

If most of those thoughts related to productive analysis or processing it wouldn't be so wasteful, but wasteful it too often is since the thoughts tend to remain in a loop that simply replays the disturbing event and your initial reactions to it over and over again. 

It's unrealistic to expect that you can completely free yourself from this lifelong pattern. But it's quite possible to significantly reduce the amount of time your mind churns. How? By practicing observing when and how these loops emerge. As you observe the workings of your mind you are separating yourself from it, which is the key. You are NOT your thoughts. 

There's a simple observation exercise I particularly like. First, close your eyes and begin slow, deep breathing through your nostrils. Notice the subtle, slightly ticklish feeling in your nose as the air goes in and out (if you can't find that sensation, try pursing your lips and pay attention to the feeling of the air brushing against your lips as you breathe). This should be where your mind focuses during the exercise. As you begin the slow, deep breathing your mind will, within a second or two, generate a thought, seemingly out of nowhere. * Just notice the thought but don't evaluate or judge it (or better still, simply notice that you had a thought). Then bring your attention back to the ticklish sensation in your nose. Keep doing this for 5 minutes to start, going up to 10 in a week or so. If you're like most people you'll find that one of those random thoughts engages you and, before you realize it, you'll have spent a minute or several minutes "captured" by the thought before you remember to refocus on your nostrils. 

The exercise not only enables you to observe the constant churning of the mind but also allows you to strengthen your "mental focusing muscle" so that you become better and better at putting your mind where YOU want it to be as opposed to where your mind drags you. It's a really great way to strengthen your control over your mind, your most priceless asset.

*Sometimes a thought will be generated by an outside noise, or perhaps an itch, but generally no stimulus is required!