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Making Friends


More often than you might imagine clients complain to me about how difficult it is for them to make friends in Washington. I used to hear the same complaints about Los Angeles, but L.A. possessed an attribute that allowed people some degree of acceptance of the difficulty - namely the long distances that separated many residents. Not so true of more compact DC. But I actually think that the difficulty of making friends for most people here is primarily due to a lack of an effective friend-making strategy.

The overall strategic thrust has several key components:

Identify and then spend time in venues that allow for person-to-person interactions that are deeper than typical cocktail party banter. There are a myriad of settings that will allow for more-than-superficial interaction. One such setting is a Meetup. Meetups are informal gatherings of people with shared interests, ranging from movies to foreign languages to entrepreneurship to technology to music to hiking to cooking.....the list is practically endless. Go to Meetup.org and input an activity you enjoy and see when and where the next Meetup is. Then go! It's surprisingly easy to interact with strangers when you're gathered around a shared inetrest. 

Volunteering also can provide opportunities for meaningful interpersonal interaction. Again, it's not too difficult to strike up conversations with people who share your commitment to a cause or an organization by volunteering.

Of course your workplace is another venue where you can have extended interaction with others. But in order to leverage that opportunity you need to be:

Take the initiative and be (pleasantly) persistent. This advice from Succeedsocially.com is spot on: "It's a big mistake to passively wait for other people to do the work of befriending you. It's great if it happens, but don't count on it. If you want to get a group of friends, assume you'll have to put in all the effort. If you want to do something on the weekend, don't sit around and hope someone texts you. Get in touch with various people and put something together yourself, or find out what they're doing and see if you can come along.

It's one thing to hang out with someone once, or only occasionally. You could consider them a friend of sorts at that point. For that particular person maybe that's all you need in a relationship with them, someone you're casually friendly with and who you see every now and then. However, for someone to become a closer, more regular friend you need hang out fairly often, keep in touch, enjoy good times together, and get to know each other on a deeper level. You won't have the compatibility to do this with everyone, but over time you should be able to build a tighter relationship with some of the people you meet."

Don't set your expectations too high. "Sometimes you'll join a club or be introduced to your friend's friends and hope to meet a bunch of great new people. Then you get there and the experience is disappointing. You may feel like you don't click with anyone, or like they're ignoring you in favor of making in-jokes with each other. Give these groups a few more tries. Often you're limited in how much you'll connect with others on the first meeting. You may warm up to each other before long.

If someone refuses your invitation because they're busy or not sure if they can make it out then don't give up. Try again another time. Try to assume the best. Don't automatically jump to the conclusion that they hate you and you're fundamentally unlikable. Also, even the act of making an invitation sends the message that you like someone and want to hang out with them. They may be unable to meet that one time, but now see you as someone they could possibly have fun with in the future.

When you meet potential friends be realistic about your importance in their lives and how long it may take to become buddies with them. They probably already have a social circle and their world won't end if it doesn't work out with you. As such, don't get too discouraged if they're not knocking down the door to hang out with you a day after you met them. They may be busy and your plans may not pan out for another few weeks.

Network into friendships. I always emphasize networking with clients who are looking to change careers or jobs. WHO YOU KNOW is vitally important in the career realm, but it can also serve you well in creating friendships. Ask people you know who THEY know who might be good candidates for friendship. You may be reluctant to admit to wanting to make new friends, but with very few exceptions people can identify with that desire, and are likely to admire your frankness in admitting it, and be flattered that you are asking them.





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